Recently an old friend contacted me unexpectedly. Scott had recently returned from the trip of a lifetime. After qualifying as a medical doctor, he had taken his hard-earned savings and traveled around Asia and Europe for a full calendar year. The trip had been a successful one, including hiking in the Himalaya, a volunteer stint in Cambodia, and finally a tour with a close friend through parts of Europe. When he returned, he faced the beginning of his career and adult life. Scott took a job in a regional hospital, and attempted to settle in. The adjustment was not an easy one. 

 

Like many, this was a major turning point in his life. While it is rarely remarked upon in our culture, the transition from university to full-time work is a dramatic change. I have seen the stress this transition can cause. Scott articulated the feeling:

 

“Bouncing around inside my head out here in the country. Everything seemed so clear, so vivid when I was out on my own. Then the money ran out and now I'm back home, trying to remember what was so obvious to me just weeks ago. Having trouble adjusting to adulthood too, I guess.”

 

His confusion and stress are a common phenomenon to our generation. The idea of a quarter-life crisis is not a new one, but it's also not a concept that has been granted much cultural sympathy. The woes of 25 year-olds might seem insignificant in reflection. It might be that this feeling is the last moan of childhood, a final example of how remarkably self-centered young people can be. But the quarter-life crisis can be a very real thing, and a significant cause of anxiety and distress. I've felt it in my own life, and I've seen it affect others. In this article, I’m going to try and identify some of the factors that contribute to a feeling of worry or dissatisfaction at this time in your life.

 

To clarify, the group I am discussing is generally in their mid-to-late twenties and have usually concluded their tertiary studies or found themselves in a long-term career path. 

 

 

Status Anxiety

 

 

As humans, we cannot help but compare ourselves to others. This is a natural part of our culture, but it can be a significant cause of stress. This comparison takes place at various stages of our life, and grows with intensity as we take control of our own fates by moving beyond the parental sphere. As our independence increases, our feeling of culpability increases. It is easy to dismiss feelings of inadequacy when you do not have control of your own fate, but once you are independent and dictate your own path it is easy to consider any failure to progress as a personal failure. This relationship reaches a peak when we graduate university and begin our careers. It is impossible not to compare ourselves to our close friends. For example, I once experienced a feeling of inadequacy when I compared my (teaching) career to Scott’s medical career. Doctors were generally more celebrated than teachers, and I remember feeling that distinction acutely.

 

Compounding this problem is a phenomenon that is new to our generation. Social media has become an enormous magnifier of status anxiety. Subjecting ourselves to an incessant stream of carefully selected highlights from the lives of our friends makes this feeling of inadequacy almost impossible to escape. The careers, relationships, and possessions of others constantly surround us. We are constantly invited to submit our own lives to be measured by the approval of others. Think about it- when was the last time you counted the ‘likes’ on a facebook post? I know I am guilty of this. Peer approval has never been so brutally measurable. 

 

The interesting thing about status anxiety is that it is quickly dissolved by rational reflection. My feelings of inadequacy when I compared my career to Scott’s were quickly resolved when I considered the larger picture. Teaching was a career I had a natural aptitude for, it was something I often enjoyed, and it was a much better path for me than medicine. Additionally, both careers were of enormous and comparable values to society. The only difference between teaching and medicine was the income they generated, and this had not been a factor in my selection of career.

 

You can dissolve your own status anxiety in a similar way. The things that society values are often radically different to the things that individuals value. When you are experiencing status anxiety, question whether you are evaluating your progress according to your own priorities, or a set of often irrelevant societal priorities.

 

 

The immovable nature of certain realities

 

 

Another cause of stress for quarter-lifers is the immovable nature of certain aspects of reality. In our studies, we are invited to challenge the world around us. This is an important part of learning, and the hard questions of the younger generations can help society evolve. University culture is often revolutionary, and there is sometimes an unsaid feeling that there is no social ill that cannot be resolved.

 

On a more personal level, young people are often invited to live life on their own terms. This is a part of life that begins after graduation from high school. The transition away from wearing a uniform, conforming to rules, and following instructions blared from a P.A system can be a heady one. There are several important freedoms now available to us. We can select what we study according to our abilities and interests. We can select our friendship groups and for the most part not be forced to associate with those we dislike. For many, we can select where we live and no longer be subject to the rules and scrutiny of our parents. This freedom is a huge part of what makes this part of life so enjoyable, but for the most part these freedoms begin to fade once we progress from this stage of our lives.

 

Once we reach the quarter-life stage, what society expects of us alters. Instead of heady freedoms, we are confronted with certain expectations that will not change no matter how much we protest.

 

We are expected to provide for ourselves.

 

This expectation exists regardless of whether we are following our interests and talents. Indeed, it can often be in opposition to our personal wishes if our interests and talents do not generate enough money to provide for ourselves. Society relegates those who are not productive to the fringes, and if you are not self-sufficient you will inevitably invite critical judgment.

 

We are expected to find a partner

 

This is as much a personal need as it is a social expectation. While romantic involvement in the university years is expected to be freeform and casual, once we have passed into the quarter-life we begin to feel the weight of expectation. Failing to find a partner is a cause of significant anguish for many people. Society often views romantic attachment as a sign of personal success- those with happy partners are good enough to be loved. Personally, a partner is a constant reminder of our own worthiness and the fact that we are important enough to be loved. While both of these assumptions have a tenuous connection to the reality of a relationship, it can be hard not to feel these things when you are young and single.  

 

The reality of the situation is that it can be incredibly difficult to find the right person. Relationships, like people, are complicated. Failure to find a partner does not mean there is something wrong with you. However, the base nature of this need means that feelings of inadequacy are often impossible to escape. At its worst, this compulsion can force people to tolerate relationships that do not work and have a negative effect on both parties. The hardest expectations to fulfil can be the ones we assign ourselves, and there are few goals more personal than this one. 

 

We are expected to realise our potential

 

In the environment of our studies, we explore our potential as much as our subject matter. In order to encourage us, we are often reminded of what we could be. For instance, a teacher might say to a student talented in English:

 

“You are a fantastic writer. In the future, you could make an excellent journalist”.

 

We take this to heart, and it becomes an ambition. However, the fact is the fact that you are a fantastic writer in no way guarantees that you will become a successful journalist. There are numerous other factors that influence whether or not this will happen. Some of them are in your control, but many of them are out of your hands. However lofty and unrealistic our theoretic ‘potential’ may be, we are invited by society to consider any failure to realise it as a sign of personal inadequacy.

 

 

A shift of emphasis away from our wishes

 

 

This was not the first message I had received from Scott. Earlier, while he had still been traveling, I had written to him to complain of my own quarter-life crisis. To reassure me, he had claimed:

 

“You can still live anyway you want.”

 

I had disagreed. If there is a common theme throughout the beginning of our adulthood, it is that we are encouraged to live life on our own terms. We follow our own wishes, make our own decisions, and often refuse to compromise on what we believe in. As we get older, and responsibilities mount, our own wishes can often fade into the background. The weight of routine and expectation can become crushing when you feel there is so much more that you want to do for yourself. 

 

Perhaps the greatest manifestation of these freedoms is travel. Young adults can travel freely, frequently, and numerously. They are encouraged to jet off to explore strange lands, often for months at a time. I noticed when I began to travel a strange dichotomy that existed in my own judgments of my fellow nomads. My judgements of backpackers my own age were generally open and positive. However, when I met long-term travellers who were thirty and above, I could not help viewing them with suspicion. To me, it seemed wrong to be motivated only by your own fickle wishes at that stage in your life. I was subconsciously expressing a social view- there was something inadequate about adult life without any responsibilities. Living past thirty according only to your own agency was surely a sign of poor character. At the time, it helped remind me that the fun I was having could not last forever.

 

Like so many social expectations, this judgment dissolves with reasonable reflection. There is no moral imperative to surround yourself with obligations, and living free of them is not a sign of unworthiness. However, just because this feeling does not make sense does not mean it can be ignored.

 

A huge part of the quarter-life crisis is coming to terms with your wishes becoming less and less important in society’s eyes. Our own agency dissolves with every attachment we form. Once married, we are responsible to our spouse. Perhaps the ultimate dissolution of our free agency occurs when we have our own children. Everything becomes about them, and what they have achieved. Celebrated Brazilian novelist Paulo Coehlo articulated this transition beautifully:

 

 

Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them.

They move on. They move away.

The moments that used to define them are covered by

moments of their own accomplishments.

 

It is not until much later, that

children understand;

their stories and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories

of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones,

beneath the water of their lives.

 

 

Things to Remind Yourself

 

If philosophy is useful to us, it is useful as a consolation for the difficulties that beset us all in some way. When you are experiencing the very real discomfort of a quarter-life crisis, there are certain things you can remind yourself that might help you feel better.

 

1. You should evaluate your success according to what is important to you.

 

No matter how popular society’s priorities may seem, they are often false or irrelevant to you.

 

2. The fact you have not found love does not mean there is something wrong with you.

 

Relationships are complex and often confusing and difficult. The search for a partner can be an emotional gauntlet of rejection and feelings of inadequacy. Even society’s most celebrated struggle to find meaningful love. Additionally, people find love at every stage of their lives. Replace resignation with patience and it is bound to happen at some point.

 

3. A responsibility-free life is often lonely

 

Responsibility should begin in the love we have for others. Those connections are the sources of our greatest happiness as well as our greatest frustrations. The fact that you cannot live ‘anyway you want’ does not mean you are choosing unhappiness over freedom.

 

The malaise Scott experienced is becoming an increasingly common part of our culture, and deserves to be examined.  Commonality can be a powerful defuser of anxiety. Knowing that others have felt similar pain for similar reasons can make your problems a little less personal and a lot less painful. I hope these reflections have helped you understand the quarter-life crisis a little better.